It could be so easy... so easy to just give into fear and anger and completely forget all the changes I've made and will make.
I could cancel my surgeon intake appointment today, skip out on surgery altogether, cancel my RSVP on all the things I was doing next week, get a refund for my Black Panther ticket tonight.
I can stay in my room watching the news with a nervous twitch waiting to die... fearing that every place can become a warzone and I'm not mentally stable enough to protect myself... become more and more scared to the point where I never leave my room.
But... I can also work on it. I can see that yesterday was a shitty day for just about every American and I'm not unique. I can see that, by even being comfortable enough to speak up to my therapist, not only did I show growth in terms of fighting my irrational fear of angering people by asking for what I want but I also might cause actual change when they turn that goddamn TV to PBS or something, anything, else than the motherfucking news.
It did hit me pretty hard that I felt scared with that fellow patient yesterday. I'm still coming to terms with it in my head. I know he was in an agitated state because he was already yelling at the receptionists to get a sooner intake appointment than next month (because he needed benzos, I could take the shivering of benzo withdrawal because there but for the grace of god went I). I knew he felt frustrated when the new and inept secretary told him to have a seat while she tried to find a better appointment time. Hell, before he arrived I was frustrated with that secretary for the same thing except I actually wanted to move an appointment back two days so I'd be seeing my psychiatrist and therapist in one go.
But there was something about the environment. We had a TV at full volume with reporters chasing school kids in absolute terror trying to score that juicy interview for ratings. There was that little kid in the room I focused on because I worried about how much seeing that might fuck with his own mental health. And the agitated patient was agitated for his own reasons.
MY OCD is screaming "Ha, you were afraid of the schizo! You are just like everyone else that stigmatizes mental illness! You are a hypocrite... and you want to be a mental health advocate? How can you advocate for people you irrationally fear?"
But... Maybe I wasn't scared of him. When I arrived for my appointment there was a cop car outside the building so my tension was already higher than usual. The inept secretary certainly didn't help nor did the fact that they sit behind bulletproof glass that makes you feel like a criminal for going there and forces you to literally scream at them so they can hear you. If we take yesterday's tragedy out of the equation I think I still would have probably had the same massive panic attack. The loud TV, the already frayed nerves, and seeing someone more nervous than I was pacing around made for the perfect anxiety combo.
Was I afraid of the schizo? No. I was bombarded from all sides by absolute shit and I let it stain my soul a little bit. If anything I think I'm more afraid that this one thing is somehow going to derail months worth of work which it's obviously not. I'm about to leave to meet the surgeon. When I get home it's time to grab dinner and go see Black Panther. Next week I'll be hanging out with some kinky people over ramen, then attend an eeeerrroooootttticcccc hypnosis for beginners class, and then cuddling, as you do, in one hell of a fun sounding weekend.
My soul is still stained but it's not permanent. I can wash it off and will wash it off. I just have to fight the other OCD voice in my head saying "You are a selfish cunt for focusing on yourself when the world is falling apart around you."
What can I do, really, though? I write my congressmen and call them only to have their staff say "We agree with you" because Murphy and Blumenthal are amazing guys. I donate to NARAL Pro-Choice and Planned Parenthood because they help those I feel are in need of the most help.
I could get all screaming and calling people (other than myself) cunts but what does that do? It's not going to magically make Trump not our President or stop the GOP from getting an erection anytime they think of a new way to screw people on Social Security or SNAP. Whether I focus all of my attention on the bad or none, the bad will still be... uh... bad.
I can only work on making myself better than bad. I can continue to forgo a meal out every month to donate to the charities I believe in. I can keep emailing and calling and mailing my congressman just to let them know I support them. I can vote. That's more than most people do.
I won't change the world but I don't have to. I'd much rather change myself.
