I've been noticing that if I miss medication by even an hour I start to go into this really intense "My biological clock is ticking" panic. I can't describe it... maybe it's an anxiety that klonopin does help hide. But I usually forget a dose, then I find myself looking at dating sites and such and then I remember "Wait, did you take your medication?" Usually once that's taken and it kicks in, I'm better with being 35 and single.
What's funny is I don't want to be married and I certainly don't want kids (that have my own genes anyway). I just kind of want that ability to hold hands or cozy up watching a movie and all that cheesy stuff. I don't know if that's an infantile view of love or not, but that's kind of all I want.
It might be too much to ask of another human being, but I just want to be able to feel safe. Maybe once I'm on my own I'll start to feel that way, but I sure don't now. I'm kind of over waking up to see what I threw across the wall or broke after waking up in the middle of the night with a night terror and I'm kind of bored with just mindlessly circling Netflix selections nervously when I know I'm not going to actually watch anything.
I am starting to see correlation to go with causation, though. I feel like shit about myself so I kind of let myself go to shit. Why should I try to look good and meet new people if I don't feel like I'm worth their time or effort? So maybe I've kind of been self-defeatist all these years. Maybe the way I've dressed and handled myself around strangers has been kind of a last defense against letting anyone in which would explain why I've had a lot easier time making friends with people online. It's easier for my anxiety to handle friendships where I know I probably won't meet that person face to face.
I'm guessing that starting to see these things rationally or at least figure out what's kind of causing them is key to recovery and shows I'm making some improvement.
