(Yes, I used an Adema ear worm of a song as the title for this... I feel no shame!)
I don't know if therapy today was helpful...
I'm realizing how much work I'm putting into improving myself and I'm loving the results. I'm self confident for the first time in a long time (if ever). I like myself and I'm learning that I can even eventually love myself.
Today my therapist questioned why I still want the gastric surgery when I'm losing weight on my own. I tried to explain my thought process to her but all I could manage was "I've put the work in to get approved for this surgery so I want to see it through."
As I drove how this part of therapy stuck with me. The truth is I don't want to be over 200 pounds anymore and I don't think I have the power to drop 80 pounds on my own through just diet and exercise. Is getting surgery giving up? No. Getting surgery is me realizing I need help and allowing myself to ask for it.
I'm not ashamed that I'm still getting surgery. I'm proud of the weight I lost and the milestones I've reached (2 months no caffeine! No NSAIDS!) but if there's a surgery out there I've spent 3 months mentally preparing myself for and changing my lifestyle and eating habits entirely for... why not get it?
I'm not selling out on myself by getting surgery, I'm buying into the person I'm becoming as I grow mentally and emotionally with these boosts in self image.
If I'm off-base, by all means tell me. But I'm very much of the mindset that my mindset isn't wrong here. I've made a lot of decisions the last few months to better myself and asking for Gastric surgery is not one I regret in the slightest.
Wednesday, April 25, 2018
Sunday, April 22, 2018
Taking Self-Validation Into My Own Hands
A part of me is looking for validation from other people about how well I'm doing.
Fuck that, I'm validating myself: I'm doing fucking amazing work here. It's not even May and I can safely say I've...
* Flown for the first time... four times total on two different days!
* Been further west than Lake George, NY
* Been in 3 states in 1 day twice
* Learned why legalizing marijuana is a good thing
* Managed to lose 15% of a Taser weight-wise
* Gone almost 2 months without caffeine and I'm not really missing it at all
* Went to a concert by myself without worrying about what other people would think
* Went to a handful of parties where I knew no one by myself and made friends
* Found the new doctor for the pacemaker surgery and went through with making a call and getting it done
* Pro-actively asked my doctor about the gastric sleeve surgery and went through with all the tests and doctor visits required for my hopefully future approval for it
* Found a new dentist to replace my other new dentist (It's so difficult to find a decent dentist with good bedside manner when you have state insurance)
* Got my first tattoo and then another... so 2 tattoos... for now
* Cut WAY back on fast food
* Contacted my local YMCA and received a scholarship to use their gym and pool as soon as I'm healed up from surgery
* Got past any insecurities and fear and actually spent a day and a part of a night in New York just exploring on my own.
I've done so goddamn much and I'm not the same person I was. My friend Thierry, before the concert we went to the other night, asked me why I was doing all of this...
Obvious answer is obvious... I would really like to start dating regularly but the real reasons kind of flooded out of me as I talked to him: I didn't want to die in my sleep. Last year I planned every contingency just accepting it was an inevitability and, if I continued to live that way, it would have been. I don't want that. I don't want constant pain in my back and legs when I walk. I don't want to constantly be afraid to sit on furniture at other people's houses in fear of breaking it. I want to be comfortable when I go to a concert at places like Mohegan Sun with their tiny tiny seats.
I want the freedom to do what I want and to be who I want... and I'm realizing I already had that freedom. So I'm using it to its fullest to be the best possible me I can be. Can I undo all the damage I've done to my body from years of isolation and pill popping? Probably not. But I'm still here. I'm still alive. And as long as I'm alive I want to live.
I don't want to be a tortured artist that's too tortured to make art anymore. I just want to be a happy artist that shares his art with the world. I want to be someone positive instead of being someone who dwells on the worst case scenarios all the time and worries about everything.
It's not an easy journey but I'm finding each step to be almost fun to take. I haven't hit that wall yet and maybe I won't.
I'm learning that I deserve happiness and so much more. I'm learning that I'm actually pretty cool and I shouldn't let other people be the only ones to see that. I've got to get a piece of that action myself.
I'm allowed to be proud of myself and my journey.
And I am.
Fuck that, I'm validating myself: I'm doing fucking amazing work here. It's not even May and I can safely say I've...
* Flown for the first time... four times total on two different days!
* Been further west than Lake George, NY
* Been in 3 states in 1 day twice
* Learned why legalizing marijuana is a good thing
* Managed to lose 15% of a Taser weight-wise
* Gone almost 2 months without caffeine and I'm not really missing it at all
* Went to a concert by myself without worrying about what other people would think
* Went to a handful of parties where I knew no one by myself and made friends
* Found the new doctor for the pacemaker surgery and went through with making a call and getting it done
* Pro-actively asked my doctor about the gastric sleeve surgery and went through with all the tests and doctor visits required for my hopefully future approval for it
* Found a new dentist to replace my other new dentist (It's so difficult to find a decent dentist with good bedside manner when you have state insurance)
* Got my first tattoo and then another... so 2 tattoos... for now
* Cut WAY back on fast food
* Contacted my local YMCA and received a scholarship to use their gym and pool as soon as I'm healed up from surgery
* Got past any insecurities and fear and actually spent a day and a part of a night in New York just exploring on my own.
I've done so goddamn much and I'm not the same person I was. My friend Thierry, before the concert we went to the other night, asked me why I was doing all of this...
Obvious answer is obvious... I would really like to start dating regularly but the real reasons kind of flooded out of me as I talked to him: I didn't want to die in my sleep. Last year I planned every contingency just accepting it was an inevitability and, if I continued to live that way, it would have been. I don't want that. I don't want constant pain in my back and legs when I walk. I don't want to constantly be afraid to sit on furniture at other people's houses in fear of breaking it. I want to be comfortable when I go to a concert at places like Mohegan Sun with their tiny tiny seats.
I want the freedom to do what I want and to be who I want... and I'm realizing I already had that freedom. So I'm using it to its fullest to be the best possible me I can be. Can I undo all the damage I've done to my body from years of isolation and pill popping? Probably not. But I'm still here. I'm still alive. And as long as I'm alive I want to live.
I don't want to be a tortured artist that's too tortured to make art anymore. I just want to be a happy artist that shares his art with the world. I want to be someone positive instead of being someone who dwells on the worst case scenarios all the time and worries about everything.
It's not an easy journey but I'm finding each step to be almost fun to take. I haven't hit that wall yet and maybe I won't.
I'm learning that I deserve happiness and so much more. I'm learning that I'm actually pretty cool and I shouldn't let other people be the only ones to see that. I've got to get a piece of that action myself.
I'm allowed to be proud of myself and my journey.
And I am.
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